I’m in a place that I never thought I’d be spiritually. I absolutely need belief (in something) to move further in life and I know it. Here’s my story:

I’m 34 years old. As a child I went to church with my parents and 2 aunts. I didn’t really know what was going on and was only worried about the candy that my aunt would give me after long periods of sitting still and shutting up.

When I was age 12-15 I was moved around in all different schools. Not just public schools, but I went to Catholic, Christian and academies. My mom was set on making sure that everything would be alright for me.

I decided I didn’t like Bible class much at Tree of Life Christian school. So I started failing tests intentionally. Blah! I remember cussing in front of the class and bible teacher once and she put me in the hall for the remainder of the class.

For the last 19 years I have considered myself agnostic..perhaps borderline atheist. I have also been drowning myself in liquor. Until a month ago. I have been sober 35 days now. I have been going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings a lot. I have a sponsor.

3 weeks back I was reading from the big book (or alcoholics anonymous) about agnosticism and thought something hit me that I finally found a belief, Buddhism. I teared a little and felt like a power was within me.

Now I am not so sure. I think I might go to this Lutheran church down the street. Though I’m not sure if people still wear suits and ties to church, like when I was a kid.

I want to have spirituality and belief in a higher power or the disease of alcoholism will kill me. It has already taken away most of my life. Never married. Never loved anyone. Never had a steady job. Never believed in anything. I am a shell of a human. I really don’t consider myself alive. I exist.

I know the answer is spirituality but how can I just start believing in something..just like that. Snap! Yet I must! I know alcoholics anonymous works. But spirituality is the cornerstone of the program.

I’m going to try this belief buster course that I have heard so many people talking about. It’s a free 6 part mini course and book called “Money & Beliefs - Unlocking Your Abundance”. I’m also going to go to church on Sunday and see if I like what they say. I will not let alcoholism defeat me. Not again. Please comment if you know anything else that might help me. I’d appreciate it!